Rivers plans his Christmas shopping: it could have been worse.

December 24, 2013

By Ray Rivers

BURLINGTON, ON.   Ray Rivers usually writes for us the last part of each week – but his material has a best before date that happens to be Christmas Day – so – from the pen – or keyboard of the Ridiculous Ray River we give you:  A dialogue:

So come on sweetie, you seemed to manage every other year – how many is it now? 

“Yeah I know, but this year it’s seems like I have to deliver more coal than candy, if you know what I mean.”  “What is the problem dearie, its your job.  Do I have to do all the thinking around here?  “ Ok – you’re right – but do you think you could help me with this, honey bunch”?  Fire away, Santa Baby.

The old pitchman trying to sell a Judge on a golf ball scheme. Chretien at the Gomery Inquiry

 “Jean Chretien?”  Golf balls. “Again?”

 “And Mulroney?”  Has he been good?  “I think so – let me see – yeah he kept his head down this year”  What did he ask for?  “An envelope of unmarked bills… again”. “Why not give some more shoes for Mila and a cheque made out to that disgusting Karl Heinz guy ?

 “Ah, here’s a tough one – Rob Ford”?   I know were supposed to give and not take – but lets do him a favour and take away his recreational drugs.


He was born to be different -just how different is something we will have to wait for.

“And Justin Trudeau”?  “Give him Fords drugs.

 “Wow, you’re good at this – so for Stephen Harper some new music so we won’t have to listen to him ruining the Beatles – besides it’s so yesterday… get it, Yesterday.  Oh and some anti-depressants to lighten him up little”. Yes, thats the spirit you ole flying-sleigh driver – and maybe do something to stop his nose from growing every time he opens his mouth

 “By Jove, I think I’m on a roll.  For Pamela Wallin a new board directorship.  She no longer has to pretend she is doing Senate work.  I’ll put it conveniently in Saskatchewan.  Mike Duffy’ll get a subscription to weight watchers and Nigel Wright a cheque for $90,000.  I’ll drop off some boxing lessons for Patrick Brazeau, so he won’t get whipped so pathetically by Trudeau next time around.

 “Dont forget to give Joe Oliver and the NEB a lump of coal for pushing so hard for those pipelines“Better still, I’ll give him a pot full of tar smack dab from the tar sands – Brer’ Oliver.  For Jim Flaherty I’ll just wrap up the Ford brothers, he likes them so much – and sending them to Whitby-Oshawa will be Jason Kenny’s gift as well.”

“For Tom Mulcair I have a shaving kit – you’d think he was competing with me with that hideous looking beard.”  I do hate the whisker burn I end up with after our annual get-it-on whether we need it or not, you old red-coated devil.  “Oh – I can’t leave out Elizabeth May.  How about one of those old classic two-seat Honda hybrids, now that she has finally got another Green Party member to fill the second seat.”

Is this the Whitehorse Post Office?

 “There, youre almost done.  What about that CEO, Chopra, from the Post Office? “Oh yeah I’ll help him get some exercise… a ‘group mail box’ of his very own in Whitehorse.  That man really cares about seniors staying fit.  Oh and I’ll give his gold-plated pension to the Salvation Army.”

 “Let’s not forget Mike Wallace.”  How about a column of his own in the Burlington Gazette?  “Right, but does he have anything to say?  And since you mention that, how about a printing press for Pepper Par so he can give people the feel of a real newspaper.?  There youre all done.  I told you it wouldt be that hard. 

 “Except for that Ray Rivers character.”  Well I know hed be happy if we just wished all the readers a very merry Christmas.

Ray Rivers writes weekly on both federal and provincial politics, applying his more than 25 years as a federal bureaucrat to his thinking.  Rivers was a candidate for provincial office in Burlington where he ran against Cam Jackson in 1995, the year Mike Harris and the Common Sense Revolution swept the province. He developed the current policy process for the Ontario Liberal Party.

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