By Ray Rivers
April 1st, 2016
BURLINGTON, ON
The question no one seems to be asking is whether Burlington really needs another waterfront pier. Sources distant from both the PM’s people and those of the Premier have indicated some kind of an announcement is forthcoming in the near future.
Upon completion of pier number two will reach well into the lake
The potential cost of this project could total close to four billion big ones and would be funded through a new infrastructure fund. “What better way to use our federal and provincial deficit money than to create new jobs, right here in Burlington,” one source was overheard mumbling.
The mayor has been very closed-lipped about this initiative. That may be because a former Burlington mayor had been thought to be working hard between the sheets to create this baby. And some baby it will be. A mega-motel, to be named after former city and regional counsellor Robert Bates, will anchor the attractions on this artificial piece of land reaching out into the middle of Lake Ontario.
The ferris wheel on pier number 2 will be visible from Toronto.
The project will also feature the largest ferris wheel in North America named in honour of the former Toronto mayor, whose brother Doug, had been promoting a similar icon to dot the Toronto skyline. Doug Ford, who always wanted to be known for, and as, a big wheel himself, couldn’t be reached for comment.
However, somebody on somebody’s staff noted that the Fords had always supported using somebody else’s money to move people around, so long as it didn’t get in the way of Toronto’s grid lock. In fact the former Toronto Councillor had hoped that the ferris-wheel could be directly connected to Toronto’s expanding subway system.
Stretching out two and a half kilometres into Lake Ontario the centrepiece of the structure will be a huge ferry docking station with access to planned ferry ports as distant as Oakville and Hamilton and the existing Burlington pier. There will be a 30-hectare amusement park on the water, which will include the ferris wheel and thirty-seven Tim Horton outlets. In addition plans may include a waterfront zoo featuring elephants, lions, penguins and other native Canadian wildlife.
Already, ribbon cutting is being projected to coincide with the 2018 Sound of Music festival which would see a switch in content to such classical pieces as Handel’s Water Music, rather than the heavy rock known to incite wave action. However, given the size of this project, the grand opening may have to be postponed once or twice – or several times.
Land fill at the Burlington air park being trucked to the pier number two construction site.
Land-fill for this massive project is expected to come from the levelling of Halton Conservation Area’s Rattle Snake Point. Rock climbing activity has severely eroded the rock face and Milton has been reported petitioning the provincial government and Green Belt commission to make way for even more residential housing in Canada’s fastest growing city. And besides the rattle snakes are all gone, the last one seen on March 17th.
Lawyers from around the problem are looking for a way to legally move the land fill on the air park property to the lakefront.
Not everyone will be pleased with this new development and you can be sure that the Burlington Gazette will be sued and have to shut down at least five or six times in the course of this project.
But the proponents are keen to see the pier built and even keener to give its ferris wheel a spin. They have been heard to say that they personally anticipate this to be a very rewarding venture.
Rumours abound about the siting of multi-unit condos as well, adding as many as fifty thousand new residents to the man-made peninsula.
And as is always the case with innovative ventures, even at this early stage, there are the critics.
Steel for pier number two was imported from Mexico – the city took this retaliatory action when Hamilton refused to sell the Lasalle Park water lots at a reasonable price.
Some folks can’t help but compare this initiative to what they saw as wasteful spending by the federal Conservatives in the wake of the 2009/10 recession and in preparation for the G20 summit. They cite the expensive network of sidewalks Tony Clement built in his rural northern riding which no one actually uses. And then there is the massive effort that went into constructing Canada’s sixth great lake – right there on the shores of Lake Ontario.
In the words of Burlington Gazette publisher, Pepper Parr, who is believed to be a strong proponent himself, despite his denials, “they pissed away all that money back then and got re-elected, so why not this, now? Besides how better to employ all our adopted Syrian refugees looking for work, and where better to offer them a place to live?”
Rumours abound that the Gazette has been approached about locating its new international headquarters adjacent to the Bate’s motel complex. When asked to confirm that story, Parr responded that he couldn’t confirm or deny his involvement. “It would be like stabbing the mayor in the back,” he was heard to mutter before turning his head away to suppress a giggle.
Ray Rivers writes weekly on both federal and provincial politics, applying his more than 25 years as a federal bureaucrat to his thinking. Something special happens to Rivers on the first day of April each year.
Our apologies for his excesses.
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Love it! What a shame these are only acceptable on April 1st. Good laughs are need the other 364 & 1/2 days.
As I read childhood memories of 1960’s Atlantic City. The wild imagery growing at each new paragraph was such fun. Thank you Ray.
The Bates Motel, as in Psycho? This must be a joke.
Very amusing. Great start to the day. Thank you for reminding me it is April Fool’s. Now if I can just come up with a suitable trick to play on my boyfriend.
I’m sure the money that would go into this spectacle on the waterfront could be better used toward infrastructure projects which would actually be useful and put people to work, as well.
I saw a documentary on Sand Wars which is extremely educational about what humans are doing to this planet by moving sand from one area and putting it in another. It is quite shocking –we are losing our beaches because of sand dredging and using sand in cement to build buildings that nobody ever lives in. The suggestion was made to use recycled steel from cars, etc to build rather than sand. We must begin to look at the long term effects of what happens to our land when we take it from one place and move it to another!
Haha. Good one Ray. Nothing like twinning the “mistake by the lake” with an even bigger and bolder mistake. Thank goodness it’s Friday April 1st.